Disingenuous Wednesday
Thanks to TreeHugger for sending us some apologetic souls. I’m glad TreeHugger understands that BP has feelings too. We should warn you that we are not looking for fake, disingenuous apologies, but really, letters from the heart, letting BP know about the things you did to hurt them. Did you leave the iron on? Did you get them fired, accidentally? Let it all out.
If you want to know what NOT to do, click read more to read some examples of gushing raging meanies who really just want to hurt BPs feelings. They thought they could fool me. YOU PEOPLE WILL NOT TRICK ME! I will catch every fake apology and show the world what a jerk you are in the process. Here’s another thread of shameful passive aggressive hogwash. With a bucket of pure unadulterated crazy thrown in (Seriously, one letter is spectacular in how bizarre it is.) Don’t be crude like these tarballs.
Sooooo Sorry, BP by String
I really sorry that you’re a bunch of f__k-up a-holes that have ruined the Gulf for generations. You have no idea how sorry I am.
Sorry for not caring more by Heartless
Dear BP
Hey, sorry I don’t care about you more. I mean you are a big corporation with deep pockets and this spill is your fault. Somehow I am just having a hard time pulling out any true sympathy for you. You have to pay for the clean up, you have to keep working on how to stop the spill from continuing to happen, you have to pay damages to people whose lives who are ruined… so I guess you have some sort of “cross to bear”, but your plight still doesn’t well up any sympathy for you. Sorry!
Brief Apology by wendy
I’m sorry BP you ever became a company
Sorry We Didn’t Get Rid of You Before by Frances
I’m so, so, so sorry, BP that we didn’t get rid of you before you had a chance to destroy the Gulf of Mexico for what will likely be the lifetimes of my grandchildren … sorrier still that we didn’t regulate you into your own deep, dark well, so that you could figure out that it’s wrong to marginalize your whistleblowers, without whom you proved you CANNOT be honest.
Existential Apology by Lee
Really, I am truly sorry you exist.
Go Sell Crazy Someplace Else, We’re All Stocked Up Here by Bill
Editor’s Note: I have no idea how to respond to this, but nonetheless its fascinating in its complete insanity.
Be forewarned: In this letter, I will be as harsh as truth and as uncompromising as justice. For those of you who like to eat dessert before soup, my conclusion at the end of this letter is going to be that BP accuses me of being a liar. The only proven liar around here, however, is BP. Only a die-hard liar like BP could claim that laws are meant to be broken. The truth, in case you haven’t already figured it out, is that while it and other pestiferous, noisome barmpots sometimes differ on the details and scale of their upcoming campaigns of terror they never fail to agree on the basic principle and substance. Hence, it is imperative that you understand that he who pays the piper calls the tune. With that in mind, I did a little research to find where BP gets its money. It turns out that it comes primarily from stolid varmints, hotheaded Huns, and—you guessed it—the worst types of hideous, raffish sods I’ve ever seen. This explains why a great many of us don’t want BP to engage in or goad others into engaging in illegal acts. Still, we feel a prodigious societal pressure to smile, to be nice, and not to object to its revolting politics.
I’ll tell you what we need to do about all the craziness BP is mongering. We need to oppose BP and everything for which it stands. I don’t mean to imply that BP is the earthly personification of Satan, but it’s true nonetheless. BP should stop calling me a delirious, wicked pedant. Although I’ve been called worse things by better organizations, the baneful nature of BP’s exegeses is not just a rumor. It is a fact to which I can testify.
BP should hide its head in shame before the judgment of future generations, whose tongue it will no longer be possible to stop and which, therefore, will say what today all of us know to be true: BP was a stinking busybody when I first encountered it. BP is a stinking busybody now. And there is no more reason for believing that BP will ever cease to be a stinking busybody than there is for supposing that my bitterness at it is merely the latent projection of libidinal energy stemming from self-induced anguish. This is typical of the kind of noise BP enjoys making. And that’s why I say to you: Have courage. Be honest. And transcend traditional thinking. That’s the patriotic thing to do, and that’s the right thing to do.
