Long Apology
Editors Note: This one is a doozy, its loooong. So make sure to click Read More to read the whole thing.
We didn’t mean to inflict this little boo boo on you. I mean, I know $20 billion is just a tiny drop of your blood and all, but it was just so not thoughtful of us to take ANY of your blood. After all, we prefer to swim in oil, so we should be grateful to you for opening up the tap like you did and just letting it pour out for all of us to enjoy.
Oh, and it makes all the fish and shrimp and stuff go down so much so much easier, what with all that grease on it! The only problem is that we have to eat really fast because all that wonderful food dies and rots a little faster than it used to. Though I guess it’s not such a problem. We could just freeze it. I’m sure the oil will keep just fine. We really need to get on the ball, though, and gather it all up, because all those people that have the boats that go out and gather them all will be leaving the area soon. Though that’s no problem. I’m sure they can find better lives somewhere else.
So really, I’m just grateful. After all, the beaches and the seafood aren’t any reason to live down here. We much prefer the Gulf to be full of oil so that when we get a really big hurricane again, we can have it all the way up here 15 miles inland. I’m sure our homes and streets and yard will look much better in that nice rusty brown and black tone than this horrid green grass and all.
Oh, and thanks too for the methane. That was an extra gift we didn’t realize you’d planned for us. I’m sure we’ll adapt easily to being methane breathers. And it will prepare us nicely for when we all move to Titan.
And I’m sure that once the oil in that formation you punched into is all emptied out, you’ll find another one even bigger to open up for us.
And last but not least, I’m really sorry that circumstances have prevented you from keeping ALL of that oil down there for yourself. I know you originally intended to cap that well and keep it quiet just how much was down there so you could wait until the price of oil was so high that you could get even richer, but honestly, your decision to rush things and cut corners has been SUCH a gift to us, that we forgive you for wanting to keep it all to yourself originally. It was just so generous that I’m…well, very, very touched. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh, and one more thing. Please pass along to Joe Barton (and his fellow true American patriots) my thanks for helping to make my state the laughing stock of the country the last several years. We couldn’t have gotten so backwards so fast without him!
