You Should Totally Apologize to BP on Facebook

We're Sorry We Are Leaving Tumblr

Fri, 15 Apr 2011 19:14:39 -0400

We want to apologize to BP for having one less place people can apologize to them. We’re shutting down our tumblr blog and moving all apologizing directly to facebook.

So head over to http://facebook.com/imsorrybp to do all the apologizing you like.

Apologies and stuff.

I'm terribly sorry, BP

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 17:51:38 -0500

As I look back upon the past 11 months, I realize that I have a lot to be sorry for.

I was completely absorbed by how this oil spill was going to affect the coastal residents (both human and wildlife/animal) and future generations.

I humbly beg your forgiveness for the following faux pas:

1. Little did I realize that lying down on the oily beach would save me a lot of time applying sunscreen and/or tanning oil. It also saved me a lot of money. No need to buy Coppertone anymore when you can get “BPTone” for free!

2. Another time-saving result of this little “oopsie” — let’s not call it the biggest man-made ecological disaster of all time — that is too wordy. ”Oopsie” just about says it all! Now, all my seafood comes pre-oiled and already marinated in that wonderful Corexit compound. More savings here…I don’t have to spray my pans anymore with “PAM”, and Corexit adds just the right amount of flavor to otherwise drab seafood. How could I not appreciate that?

3. I’m sorry that I have this problem with the tendons in both hands that make my middle fingers fly up when I pass one of your gas stations. I’m really sorry…not only do I have this problem, but the insurance to surgically correct this condition is so expensive, I cannot afford it. I guess it’s something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

As I close this letter, dearest BP, I hope that you can see it in your heart to forgive me.

Obviously, emotions got the better of me. I will not let it happen again.

Humbly submitted —

nancestef

Your facebook page has just been hit by a bunch of BP of America facebook trolls. Best thing to do is to block them. Here is partial list (there are hundreds of them) but these are all active: Jan Long, Rona Smith, Lee Zinter, Nan Ellis, Cairean Day, Joy Baker Burk, Liz Gartland, Ken Smith, Trixie Bumstead, John Deeretractor, W. Scott Alley, Mary Davis, Paul Sweeney, Craven Moorehead, Wayne Brandt, Julien Schrodinger, Brett Merryman, Rebecca Schroder or Rebecca Schroder Sweeney, John Greene, Samuel 'Smarbury' Arbury, Kathy Carbaugh Baines

Here is where they live: https://www.facebook.com/BPAmerica?ref=ts

The reason they found you is someone posted your site on the Boycott BP with 800,000 members... the BP America page watches the Boycott page like a hawk. So... they don't like your site, and they have sent their trolls over to wreak havock on your page. They are relentless, they will not stop until you block them.

Love your sites by the way! Good luck! :)

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 17:08:00 -0500

Why would I ban the very people who deserve apologies? BP employees are the heart and soul of this country. Were it not for them, the gulf would not have this new clean energy economy where gulf residents get to clean energy off the beaches and the fishes.

UPDATE: Also, Paul and Rebecca Sweeney are really mean to BP, not BP supporters, according the comments. So please shun them if you see them.

The Cup is Half Full

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 13:11:00 -0400

My fishing charter business is really doing well because all those well financed folks who used to fish in the northern Gulf are now here fishing with me. My days are a little bit longer and a little bit tougher now because a couple of thousand extra customers a day is quite a load. But really, what you did to lower gulf property values and poison the air and the water while establishing a willing and starving work force is good for me because deck hands usually expect to be paid but if they’ve worked for you in the past, they’ll already be used to recieving excuses instead of checks.

It’s too bad that the general public only sees the dark side of an oil slick. So Sorry.

Captain Wayne

Mask the Regret

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 11:00:43 -0400

I’m sorry, BP, that I brought safety equipment and resperators to work cleanup even after you told me not to. My bad.

Submitted by Aaron on our Facebook Page.

Sincerest Apology

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 09:00:42 -0400

Dear BP,

Allow me to be forthright in sending my sincerest apology to you and yours. I’m am so deeply sorry that we, the U.S., have once again been so clumsy and frankly, brash in our decision to put our coastal territory so close to your great big natural disaster. It’s a real shame when Continents have to get in the way of Negligence. Nay, but we are the negligent ones! If only we had thought a little harder and not placed so much of our coast line near your crap derricks, we wouldn’t be sitting here with Pelican Egg on our faces. If I may be metaphoric: right now, so many of us are feeling just like little shrimp covered in a deep, black shame for what we’re doing to you. Maybe it’s not the best metaphor, but you see our anguish.

However we can help to make this right, please let us know. Your costs must be enormous, not even to mention the mental anguish you must be suffering just seeing all of your profits just washing up on our beaches. We are here for you, you are not alone in this.

Our Apologies.

Submitted by McGair

Long Apology

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 20:31:42 -0400

Editors Note: This one is a doozy, its loooong. So make sure to click Read More to read the whole thing.

We didn’t mean to inflict this little boo boo on you. I mean, I know $20 billion is just a tiny drop of your blood and all, but it was just so not thoughtful of us to take ANY of your blood. After all, we prefer to swim in oil, so we should be grateful to you for opening up the tap like you did and just letting it pour out for all of us to enjoy.

Oh, and it makes all the fish and shrimp and stuff go down so much so much easier, what with all that grease on it! The only problem is that we have to eat really fast because all that wonderful food dies and rots a little faster than it used to. Though I guess it’s not such a problem. We could just freeze it. I’m sure the oil will keep just fine. We really need to get on the ball, though, and gather it all up, because all those people that have the boats that go out and gather them all will be leaving the area soon. Though that’s no problem. I’m sure they can find better lives somewhere else.

So really, I’m just grateful. After all, the beaches and the seafood aren’t any reason to live down here. We much prefer the Gulf to be full of oil so that when we get a really big hurricane again, we can have it all the way up here 15 miles inland. I’m sure our homes and streets and yard will look much better in that nice rusty brown and black tone than this horrid green grass and all.

Oh, and thanks too for the methane. That was an extra gift we didn’t realize you’d planned for us. I’m sure we’ll adapt easily to being methane breathers. And it will prepare us nicely for when we all move to Titan.

And I’m sure that once the oil in that formation you punched into is all emptied out, you’ll find another one even bigger to open up for us.

And last but not least, I’m really sorry that circumstances have prevented you from keeping ALL of that oil down there for yourself. I know you originally intended to cap that well and keep it quiet just how much was down there so you could wait until the price of oil was so high that you could get even richer, but honestly, your decision to rush things and cut corners has been SUCH a gift to us, that we forgive you for wanting to keep it all to yourself originally. It was just so generous that I’m…well, very, very touched. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, and one more thing. Please pass along to Joe Barton (and his fellow true American patriots) my thanks for helping to make my state the laughing stock of the country the last several years. We couldn’t have gotten so backwards so fast without him!

Prehistoric Apology

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 18:30:44 -0400

Hey, BP, my parakeet wanted me to tell you he’s really sorry his great great great etc. great grandparents, who were dinosaurs, were thoughtless enough to die and turn into oil. If they’d been more responsible none of this would have happened. I have scolded my parakeet for his ancestors’ behavior and sent him to his room without supper, and he’s going to save up $20 billion from his allowance and give it to you.

Submitted by Rich

Pedal to the Apology

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 16:24:48 -0400

I deeply regret biking.

I wish I had driven and used BP brand gasoline so that you and your executives wouldn’t have to sacrifice your hard-earned bonuses in order to pay struggling fishermen.

Submitted by SteveR

Eternal Apologies

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 14:24:17 -0400

BP, When I said I wanted you to rot in hell for all eternity, I really meant I wanted you to burn in hell for all eternity. I deeply apologize for the confusion.

Submitted by Rich

"An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might..."

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 14:23:32 -0400

““An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.””

- Steve Martin as submitted by Joe

Editor’s Note: Ignore Steve Martin.

Digestive Apology

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 07:35:00 -0400

Dear BP,

I apologize for that one time that I had eaten more Taco Bell than I knew I could handle. Unfortunately, I had to take my burrito-fueled fury out on one of your station’s restrooms.

In hindsight, I completely relate to your current situation as I did what you are now doing to the gulf coast.

Would you “crap” on me for my situation in your restroom? I think not!

It’s insensitive for everyone to criticize you for your off-shore indigestion!

Submitted by Joe

Eloquent Apology

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 14:03:06 -0400

…Whereas I HAD been full of blind rage; this site has helped me see that, Theres 2 sides of the story; and so; as long as you’re sorry for the spill, and it truly was an accident; THEN I’m sorry too for boycotting you, and talking mad cashed shit about you behind your back.. Tell ya what, 1st thing tommorow, I’ll go filler up with premium (@ Citgo) lol. Nall, I’m kidden. Seriously it is f’d up I do apologize.

Brief Pelican Apology

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 12:10:13 -0400

Editor’s Note: This one is a tough one to call. I’ve always thought of Pelicans as a very selfless species, but at the same time, I’m not sure how many of them have internet access. So this one could be a fake apology.

Dear BP: it’s us, the pelicans. We know you need our feathered bodies to mop up the spill, but our species is running low. We’re so sorry there’s no more of us to die so that you can buy that new jet.

Submitted by Emmi

i’m sorry BP, i’ll admit getting your wife pregnant was an...

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 11:52:02 -0400

i’m sorry BP, i’ll admit getting your wife pregnant was an acccident. but getting your sister and cousin was totally my fault. not sure what to do with the babies, so i’m just gonna go on a road trip and try to make a meaningful video. then we’ll be cool right?

Submitted by Debo

Walking Toward Regret

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 11:17:33 -0400

Gosh to think I tried to save the planet by not driving as much and walking more. I did not realize it caused you to cut back on safety measures and maybe your profit. I am really sorry.

Apology Readiness Plan

Thu, 01 Jul 2010 09:00:42 -0400

Dear BP,

I would like to apologize for not sharing my hurricane readiness plan with you. You see, everyone who runs a business or who lives on the Gulf Coast, has a hurricane readiness plan. Businesses have specific plans for protecting office equipment, automobiles, windows, etc. Residents have their personal plans, with evacuation lists that assure things like treasured photos and grandmother’s silver tea service are carefully packed and loaded in the family vehicles when the evacuation order is announced. We have a plan for our animals (dogs, cats, fish, WALRUSES, etc.) in order to prevent death or injury to our beloved pets. Apparently multi-billion dollar oil companies who drill in deep waters off our once-pristine beaches have no such plans. Forgive me for assuming a multi-billion dollar corporation would have a plan for hurricane preparedness when they drill in the waters that are repeatedly assaulted by deadly tropical storms. My bad!!!

Submitted by Karen on our facebook page.

Dear BP,I’m sorry no one ever bought you the wind turbine...

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 17:45:00 -0400

Dear BP,

I’m sorry no one ever bought you the wind turbine Lego set when you were younger.

Love,

Zoë Caron
President, Sierra Club Canada, Author of Global Warming for Dummies, Lego Fan

On our Facebook page.

Editor’s Note: The Sierra Club has been somewhat mean to BP lately, so I’m glad they are taking the time to make BP feel better. Triumph is just trying with a little umph.

Apology with a Porpoise

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 16:25:42 -0400

Dear BP,

I’m sorry that fish can now build all kinds of aquatic vehicles that run on your oil and you won’t make a cent on it. But it’s not all bad, you get to experience the warm fuzzies every time you see a porpoise on a jet-ski.

Submitted by Annette

Désolé pour le bébé tortue gay français du pétrol

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 15:55:07 -0400

I’m sorry I flinched at pictures of oil-soaked baby turtles — that was French and gay and socialistical of me.

Submitted by Connelly