You Should Totally Apologize to BP on Facebook

Sincerest Apology

Dear BP,

Allow me to be forthright in sending my sincerest apology to you and yours. I’m am so deeply sorry that we, the U.S., have once again been so clumsy and frankly, brash in our decision to put our coastal territory so close to your great big natural disaster. It’s a real shame when Continents have to get in the way of Negligence. Nay, but we are the negligent ones! If only we had thought a little harder and not placed so much of our coast line near your crap derricks, we wouldn’t be sitting here with Pelican Egg on our faces. If I may be metaphoric: right now, so many of us are feeling just like little shrimp covered in a deep, black shame for what we’re doing to you. Maybe it’s not the best metaphor, but you see our anguish.

However we can help to make this right, please let us know. Your costs must be enormous, not even to mention the mental anguish you must be suffering just seeing all of your profits just washing up on our beaches. We are here for you, you are not alone in this.

Our Apologies.

Submitted by McGair

Long Apology

Editors Note: This one is a doozy, its loooong. So make sure to click Read More to read the whole thing.

We didn’t mean to inflict this little boo boo on you.  I mean, I know $20 billion is just a tiny drop of your blood and all, but it was just so not thoughtful of us to take ANY of your blood.  After all, we prefer to swim in oil, so we should be grateful to you for opening up the tap like you did and just letting it pour out for all of us to enjoy. 

Read More

Prehistoric Apology

Hey, BP, my parakeet wanted me to tell you he’s really sorry his great great great etc. great grandparents, who were dinosaurs, were thoughtless enough to die and turn into oil. If they’d been more responsible none of this would have happened. I have scolded my parakeet for his ancestors’ behavior and sent  him to his room without supper, and he’s going to save up $20 billion from his allowance and give it to you.

Submitted by Rich

Pedal to the Apology

I deeply regret biking.

I wish I had driven and used BP brand gasoline so that you and your executives wouldn’t have to sacrifice your hard-earned bonuses in order to pay struggling fishermen.

Submitted by SteveR

Eternal Apologies

BP, When I said I wanted you to rot in hell for all eternity, I really meant I wanted you to burn in hell for all eternity.  I deeply apologize for the confusion.

Submitted by Rich

Digestive Apology

Dear BP,

I apologize for that one time that I had eaten more Taco Bell than I knew I could handle.  Unfortunately, I had to take my burrito-fueled fury out on one of your station’s restrooms.

In hindsight, I completely relate to your current situation as I did what you are now doing to the gulf coast.

Would you “crap” on me for my situation in your restroom?  I think not!

It’s insensitive for everyone to criticize you for your off-shore indigestion!

Submitted by Joe

Eloquent Apology

…Whereas I HAD been full of blind rage; this site has helped me see that,  Theres 2 sides of the story; and so; as long as you’re sorry for the spill, and it truly was an accident; THEN I’m sorry too for boycotting you, and talking mad cashed shit about you behind your back.. Tell ya what, 1st thing tommorow, I’ll go filler up with premium (@ Citgo) lol. Nall, I’m kidden. Seriously it is f’d up I do apologize.

Brief Pelican Apology

Editor’s Note: This one is a tough one to call. I’ve always thought of Pelicans as a very selfless species, but at the same time, I’m not sure how many of them have internet access. So this one could be a fake apology.

Dear BP: it’s us, the pelicans. We know you need our feathered bodies to mop up the spill, but our species is running low. We’re so sorry there’s no more of us to die so that you can buy that new jet.

Submitted by Emmi

Walking Toward Regret

Gosh to think I tried to save the planet by not driving as much and walking more. I did not realize it caused you to cut back on safety measures and maybe your profit. I am really sorry.